Hannah Bilton

I knew something was wrong when I would finish rowing/ erging and my forearms would be puffy, there was a weird sensation of both squeezing and swelling that would take over, making everything uncomfortable. I was told that what I was feeling was normal as I was a novice who had never experienced winter training and was just learning how to row, so I internalized the pain and kept going. Three years later I can tell you that what I experienced was not normal. My athletic trainer had suspicions that after two years of pushing through, I had something wrong with me and tried to figure out different ways to hold the handle or sit on the erg to try to alleviate my symptoms, nothing worked. My new coaches began to realize that something was very very wrong with my arms and that it was something other than the "typical" rowing injuries. I was diagnosed with CECS and TOS in both of my arms in December 2020. I was devastated. Prior to my diagnosis, my coaches and friends were trying to convince me that I was seriously injured, but after being told for so long that I was fine, I was reluctant to believe them. The diagnosis changed my life. I had only ever heard stories of people getting CECS in their legs as my identical twin sister had been diagnosed a year before me, but I was the first person I knew to have it in their arms. After speaking with the doctors, it became clear that surgery was not an option for me, making me permanently injured. I want to say I accepted the diagnosis with grace and stopped hurting my body, but that would be a lie, like any athlete I was not ready to give up my sport, my passion and my goals, so I continued to train. I went to PT four to five times a week, lost the ability to turn my neck, lift my arms above 90 degrees, sleep on a pillow, sit and write notes for long periods of time and eventually lost full range of motion in my arms for hours after finishing an erg session and daily muscle spasms in my neck and back to top it all off. I was miserable and my coaches couldn't watch me destroy myself any longer despite my pleading. I had to relearn myself, my body and my sport. I learned how to cox for the women's team, but with that came the challenges of having to sit and watch my team race without me, row without me and get to do what I loved. No one prepared me for how much that would hurt, watching my first practice on the water where everyone was rowing in a boat, and I knew I would never do that again hurt more than my injury. No one prepared me for hearing my school classify me as "disabled." I am now a coxswain on the Hobart Crew Team, something that I am incredible proud of. With a lot of time and support from my coaches, trainers PT, friends and family I can now say I am doing a lot better and have reached the point mentally where I am no longer mad or upset about my injury, but the biggest take away from me and my story is that it takes time. CECS and TOS are more than a physical injury. It affects your mental health equally if not more than your physical being, making finding support through your team, friends, family and even places like this extremely important. I want anyone reading my story to know that they are not making it up, it is okay to not be "inspirational" or "graceful" the entire time you are dealing with your injury- these things take time, they are emotional and everyday is a challenge- but, it does get better, and it will be okay. I would give anything in the world to be able to row again or to get surgery and be fixed, but that isn't realistic. Even though I have that wish, I am extremely proud of how far I have come and the progress I have made in reclaiming my life and my abilities, and I am excited to start this next chapter of my athletic career as a coxswain and as a Statesman.